Devo's Blog

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Catching up on some gardening

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my choice to change vocations hasn't been easy. It's been a multi-headed beast. Here's what I've made sense of so far.

After my last day of work at UW Engineering, as I rode the bus home for the last time I was overcome with an intense sadness, a grief so deep that I sobbed - albeit quietly - during the entire ride. It wasn't simply a matter of quitting my job - it was the final death in a long string of deaths that began with my separation and divorce. The last remnant of a lifestyle I had embraced and pursued over a course of five years - a world that in many ways was foreign to anything I had ever experienced: a salaried position at a prestigious university, a home, a car, a wife & step-children - a family. Who would have thunk? Certainly not I. I'd never had anything like it and suddenly I had it all. I thought I wanted it all.

Then it all came apart and over time I've shed each of them. Now only the car remains. That's a lot to let go of in a short time and it wasn't easy. Even so, until that bus ride I'd never experienced such a deep, cathartic moment of grief. I know I tend to internalize things - my depression proved that. I just didn't realize my job at UW Engineering was as wrapped up in my feelings of success and self worth as the house and the family, and it wasn't until I said goodbye to it that I began to experience the full depth of my grief and loss.

Lately, my inability to land a guiding position along with the uncertainty of my immediate future has undercut my self confidence a bit, and that takes me to emotional territory I don't like to visit, i.e. that whole mess of a relationship that I worked so damn hard at for so long just to have my heart filleted open and discarded like a lump of rotten meat. Don't get me wrong - I still like myself and I've got plans and several options available - but emotions don't follow logic. Sucks to be battling the same 'ol shit over and over again - the feelings of worthlessness, self doubt, loneliness - blah blah blah blah blah. All crap to be turned into fertilizer I guess. Keep diggin'.

Digging in the dirt
Stay with me, I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
- Peter Gabriel

Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there.
- Eric Hoffer


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Devo my man,
I did not know you had read Eric Hoffer. I truly enjoyed his books and was amazed at his life, what an incredible life he lived.

8:08 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Newer Posts << Home Older Posts >>