Devo's Blog

Saturday, May 20, 2006

May 20th update

Here's what's been going on lately. I called Alpine Ascents Friday about getting on a trip for a guide evaluation next weekend. They had filled the trip up with clients and the next one with an open slot isn't until June 10. They told me to call back June 4, so it's obvious I'm not a priority at this point - no surprise. Since I wasn't able to make their guide orientation in April I'm likely out of the running until next year realistically. Oh well.

I'm going to be working a number of hours at the retail desk at the Crags in the coming weeks. That'll be a change from setting routes, but I'll get hours. Right now I've been working when I want - there's no set hours for route setting - so I've been able to climb outdoors and work basically whenever I want, usually late at night. I'm in the middle of an 11 hour shift right now - need to get in 40 hours before Sunday.

With all my time working at the Crags, I've run into my ex twice already this week. First time was yesterday. I was at the front desk. She said hi and asked me how I was as she walked by into the gym. I said "ok." That was it, but I became pretty anxious and gave up setting in the gym for the evening. Worked the rest of the night in the retail shop and then went out for a beer with Julie afterwards. That helped, but I was still pretty worked up and called my Ma. She gave me some good advice - told me to enforce my boundaries - that there was no reason for me to have any sort of relationship with her. She suggested I prepare a script to serve as a response if for any reason she ever tried to initiate a conversation. I'd be surprised if she did, but it's best to be prepared - she's handed me one too many unpleasant surprises as it is. At the very least it may help me stay focused on my boundaries.

Second time was this afternoon. I was up on the ladder removing holds from the wall, and in the corner of my eye I saw her come through the door. I didn't say anything and this time neither did she. She headed to the back room to work out and I went out front and worked the shop with Paul for a couple hours, then discovered she'd managed to leave without me seeing her and I went back into the gym and finished cleaning up. The entire time I had the script I worked up last night in my pocket. That gave me a measure of reassurance though the anxiety was still present. Might as well get used to it. Seems that she's coming in on a more regular basis lately, nothing I can do about it but deal with it as best I can. Possibly good in the long run anyway - I need to work through all the crap I'm still hanging on to and maybe this will be like the aversion therapy UW Bioengineering performs on folks with severe phobias - exposing them to increasing doses of stimulant over time, conditioning them until they become tolerant. Could work, who knows?

Now back to setting. Chow.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.

Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.

Fear is the tax that conscience pays to guilt.

To use fear as the friend it is, we must retrain and reprogram ourselves...We must persistently and convincingly tell ourselves that the fear is here--with its gift of energy and heightened awareness--so we can do our best and learn the most in the new situation.


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