Devo's Blog

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Holding on...

EMDR therapy seems to have worked. Since my treatment I haven't experienced a traumatic stress reaction to Princess P. I still feel some anxiety when she's present but that's because I don't like her and I don't want her around. I think that's perfectly understandable. At least she hasn't tried speaking to me recently - I told her to leave me alone and I hope she sticks to it.

So I'm still puzzled and frustrated by the fact that I still think of Her Highness every day, all the time - the only exception being when I'm climbing. I'm sick and tired of it. I've moved on in many ways but I want to be done with it once and for all. What am I holding onto? I mean, there have been times in my past where I've struggled with letting go of things that have bothered or hurt me, but nothing like this. My god, it's coming on TWO YEARS!

A few things I realize:
  • I haven't completely forgiven her for the way she treated me. This will have to take it's natural course; hasn't done me any good to push it - just makes me more frustrated with myself.
  • Her behavior didn't make any sense; it was neurotic and illogical. Despite that, my brain still tries to figure it all out. Doesn't seem to matter knowing it will never make sense.
  • Emotionally, something about her still speaks to me, but I've haven't been able to pin down what it is. It's likely tied to my "Galahad complex": the rescuer in me still dreams of saving her from herself; my internal therapist still wants to "fix" her. That's a bunch of co-dependent bullshit, but knowing that hasn't led to any change in my compulsive thought patterns.
Friggin' sucks.


Post a Comment

<< Newer Posts << Home Older Posts >>