Devo's Blog

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Sunday Sixpac

Been mulling over these words for the past week:
  • Detached
  • Selfish
  • Innocence
  • Fear
  • Boredom
  • Balance
I've been feeling increasingly detached - from family, from friends, from work, from church - just about everything except climbing. When I'm not climbing I'm thinking of climbing. Like the other week at my nephew's birthday party. I love Luc. He's a hoot-and-a-half. But I didn't participate much in the festivities; I spent most my time in the kitchen kind-of-half-watching football on the TV. When we went to the park, rather than play with my nieces and nephew I wandered around looking for trees to climb. Honestly I would have been happier rock climbing.

It's pretty obvious there's a hole in me and climbing fills it. It puts me in touch with the playful innocence of my youth, brings out the kid in me - the adventurous boy who climbed the highest trees, explored the woods and hills in the back forty, built forts and wondered what worlds existed beyond the horizon. Now, more often than not, I feel bored and lonely, melancholy, indifferent, relationally homeless. Climbing provides an outlet for these feelings. It gives me life and purpose, at least for the moment. It's a way to get in touch with and manage my fear. I still struggle with that, particularly when a certain someone is around.

I'll admit that climbing is inherently selfish. It does little for anyone else, in fact it takes me away from the ones who love me - my friends and family. It is demanding in both time and energy. It takes a single-minded dedication that borders on obsession. I don't know any serious climbers who have the time for much else. Owning a house, raising a family, and working a job to support them isn't conducive to climbing. It's been my experience that if you have one then you don't have the other. I don't want to sacrifice my climbing. I want to do more, lots more, and I'm really not interested in anything that inhibits me doing so. I've pondered living out of my car for pete's sake!

After giving so much of myself to someone else for so long I guess I've swung the other way, putting my dreams, my desires and my happiness first and foremost. There are times I feel guilty, but I expect things will balance out in time, they have before.

On another note, I'm doing some part-time work at my dad's clinic doing data-entry for electronic medical records. I start Monday morning. It pays well and should last a month or more. Extra $ is welcome and the climbing season is pretty much over now anyway.


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